Smoky Bars

Now I'm not into the bar scene & generally feel like a fish out of water when I'm in one, so perhaps this anecdote won't be amusing to some of you. However, to paraphrase an oldie, it's my blog & I'l write what I want to! Went out with a girlfriend the other night to hear a friend who's in a band play in one of the local sports bars. This place was SMOKY; I think I got enough secondhand smoke to last me the rest of my life. The place was loaded with video poker machines & I noticed a lady, probably in her late 50s, sitting with her back to us at one. She really got my attention not when she won a jackpot of $600, but when I saw that she was on OXYGEN! What is wrong with this picture????? Some people are so stupid, they really should not be taking up the valuable air space that the rest of us need. I didn't know whether to ridicule her stupidity or ask her for a hit!

WTF?--part 3

So, yesterday we were at Safeway & I was waiting at the Starbucks kiosk, which was taking awhile as they were busy. I looked down & my son had his pants & underwear COMPLETELY PULLED DOWN. What the f--- was this? It was like the Vienna sausage aisle visits Starbuck's. I was MORTIFIED! I asked the young lady, who happened to be an employee on her break, if perhaps he had urinated on the floor, thinking that that MUST be the reason behind this exhibition, but apparently not. I tell you, that would have been one fast getaway if he had. (No, not really...I would have let them finish making my latte & THEN split!) What was he thinking?

WTF?

I just don't get it sometimes. My teaching partner tells her students to bring something which begins with the letter on which they've been focusing. Last week they focused on "C." So, one of the kiddos brought a Chuckie doll. You know, the character in the horror flick "Child's Play." The dang thing had stitches on his face, a bashed-in head & a mohawk. Talk about one f---ed up doll! WHAT KIND OF A PARENT LETS HIS/HER CHILD EVEN PLAY WITH SOMETHING SO DEMENTED??????!!!! It's so ludicrous that I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

When Is Pay Day?

It's a sad, sad day when I find a $10 bill & use it to buy cat food instead of a week's worth of lattes. I hope those cats can take some time out of their busy schedules to pause & appreciate my sacrifices. Every time I experience caffeine withdrawal, I'll fondly remember them.

Guess My Age

It’s my birthday. I am 40. I teach Kindergarten.

Student 1: How old are you?

Me (thinking, "I can turn this into a teachable moment. I've done this in the past and it's always turned out to be a great math lesson."): Well, usually that's kind of a personal question that adults don't like to answer, especially women, but I'll make you do some math today and see if you can figure it out.

Student 2: Are you 16?

Me: No, I'm MORE than 16. (Teacher writes it down on the easel, thus creating a visual for them, or so she thinks...)

Student 3: 3?

Me: No, 3 is LESS than 16. I'm MORE than 16.

Student 4: 100?

Me (thinking, "Okay, it's kind of an insult, but hey, it's MORE THAN 16!!!): Okay, well, that IS more than 16, but no, I'm LESS than 100. You know, if I were 100, I might have wrinkly skin and walk with a cane and talk with a gravelly voice (demonstrates), or I might even be dead. Many people don't live to be 100."

Student 5: 17?

Me: Well, no, if I were 17, I'd still be in high school. I'm MORE than 17.

Student 2: 16?

Me (thinking, "Okay, she’s stuck on 16 & I'm going to scream any minute! Can't you guys get that number out of your heads? I haven't been 16 for eons! Does this look like the body of a 16-year-old? I need a drink!!!!): I think I'm going to put away this poster for awhile and let you think about it.

We never did return to the poster. It just wasn’t worth it.

My Son's Artwork

6/18/05

Okay, so this morning my four-year-old tells me he wants to draw a picture of Winnie the Pooh, & that's all fine with me since I'm still completely hammered from my week. He talks to himself a lot when he draws & plays, so I'm just flaking out, tuning out the chatter, reading the "People" section of the paper, taking in the latest on Tom & Katie & Brad & Angelina. Then I sort of snap out of it as I hear my son saying, "...Pooh's penis..." So I look at his drawing & again, he proudly says, "It's Pooh's penis!" Sure enough, an intentional little bump is protruding from between the legs of his rendition of Pooh. (Bear in mind--no pun intended--that the legs are actually attached to the head & Pooh has no torso.)

What do I do? What do I do? Think quick, don't react, stay calm! He continues, "Mommy, do bears have penises?" I reply, "Boy bears do." "Yeah," he replies, "this is Pooh's penis." I then add, "But we don't see it because it's private." I calmly return to the list of Top 10 Bachelors (hey, I can dream, can't I?) while wondering what will come out of his mouth or his pencil next. Moments later, I am jostled out of my Gossip Column Stupor to the sound of erasing. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch..."Can you help me erase it?" he asks after he has erased most of the member.

I am happy to report that this portrait of Pooh is once again G-rated.